Experiencing grief and loss is amongst the most difficult experiences a person can face. When we lose someone important to us, grief can feel all encompassing- affecting our emotions, physical health, relationships, work and personal lives. Within our last article on grief, we discussed some of emotions you may experience when facing a bereavement, including the “5 stages of grief”. Yet grief doesn’t always follow a straight line, instead- it can often feel unpredictable. Some days we may find ourselves overwhelmed by sadness, other days we may catch ourselves entrenched by work or laughing with friends. It’s important to remember that there is no “right” way to grieve. One helpful way of understanding this process is through the “Dual Process Model of Grief”. This model suggests that grieving often involves moving between two different types of coping:

This involves directly engaging with loss and the emotions connected to it. For example:

-        Looking at photographs or keepsakes

-        Talking about memories

-        Feeling sadness, guilt, anger or isolation

-        Attending events to remember the person you’ve lost

Loss-orientated coping can feel really difficult, but it’s a natural and important part of processing loss.

Restoration-orientated coping describes the process of adapting to life after experiencing loss and focusing on everyday responsibilities and future needs. For example:

-        Returning to work

-        Managing new skills or responsibilities

-        Taking on practical tasks

-        Spending time with family and friends

-        Participating in hobbies

-        Finding moments of joy

Restoration-oriented activities help us to adjust to a changed reality and continue living alongside our grief.

In times of immense pain, it can be difficult to accept that we are not in control of our situation. Within the bargaining stage, people often want to believe that if they behave in particular ways then we will feel better or the situation will change. It’s also common to find yourself reliving past events and wishing that you could change the past in order for the present to have turned out differently.

For many people experiencing grief, the process of beginning to notice restoration-orientated coping re-enter your life can feel daunting. You may find yourself laughing a friend’s joke or getting caught up in an interesting conversation and feel a sense of guilt or fear about whether this reflects you “moving on” from loss prematurely. Yet the dual process model of grief tells us that, during the grieving process, people naturally oscillate between loss-orientated and restoration-orientated coping. You may find that one day you’re able to focus your energy on an interesting work project and the next day you can’t stop crying. You may have weeks where grief feels more manageable and other weeks where loss feels all encompassing.

This movement between grief and everyday life is not avoidance nor denial. Instead, it’s a natural part of beginning to adapt to loss. Instead of thinking of grief as a straight path, try to think of it as a tide. Sometimes the waves come in strongly- sweeping away everything in their path. Other times, the waves recede enough to allow us to see the things that they previously swallowed up.

Many people feel guilty when they experience moments of happiness productivity or normality after a bereavement. You may find yourself thinking:

-        “Shouldn’t I be upset right now?”

-        “Why am I able to focus on work today?”

-        “Will other people think I’m not still grieving them?”

The Dual Process Model reminds us that having times where grief is not at the forefront is not a betrayal of the loved one we’ve lost. It’s a natural coping strategy that allows us to recover and continue functioning.

Similarly, if you have days when grief suddenly feels overwhelming again, this doesn’t mean you’re moving backwards. Grief revisits us at different times and in different ways.

Returning to work after a bereavement can bring mixed emotions. Work may provide structure, routine, purpose and welcome distraction. At the same time, it can also feel like an overwhelming prospect. You may notice that some days feel manageable and productive, others might feel unexpectedly difficult. You may find that you enjoy being around colleagues, yet certain conversations trigger grief-based emotions.

It’s important to remember that there is no “right” time to feel ready and adjusting to work after a bereavement often takes longer than people expect. If you are returning to work following a loss, consider discussing your needs with your manager. You may find it useful to explore support such as:

• A phased return to work, where appropriate
• Temporary adjustments to workload or deadlines
• Flexible working arrangements to help manage personal responsibilities
• Regular check-ins with your manager to review how you are coping
• Time off to attend significant events, such as funerals, memorials, or legal appointments
• Access to wellbeing support services, such as an Employee Assistance Programme (EAP), counselling, or occupational health support

You do not need to share every detail of your circumstances to ask for support. Simply letting your manager know that you are experiencing bereavement and that you may need some flexibility can help open the conversation.

It can also be helpful to think about what information you would like colleagues to know. Some people appreciate others acknowledging their loss, while others prefer privacy. If you are comfortable doing so, discussing your preferences with your manager can help ensure your return to work feels supportive and respectful.

Grief can be unpredictable. You may have days when you feel able to focus and engage fully, alongside days when emotions feel closer to the surface. Certain dates, anniversaries, songs, places, or conversations can unexpectedly trigger strong feelings. This does not mean you are not coping; it is a normal part of the grieving process.

Be patient with yourself as you adjust. Returning to work is not about leaving your grief behind- it is about finding ways to carry it while continuing to engage with everyday life. Seeking support when you need it is a sign of self-awareness and strength, not weakness.

If someone you work with has experienced a bereavement, it can be difficult to know what to say.

Often, the most helpful approach is simply to:

• Acknowledge their loss
• Listen without trying to fix their feelings
• Respect that everyone grieves differently
• Be flexible and understanding where possible
• Continue offering support over time, not just immediately after the loss
  
  

Remember that grief does not have an expiry date. Significant dates, anniversaries, and unexpected reminders can continue to affect someone long after their bereavement leave has ended.