For many mothers, parenting can come with an ever-present feeling of guilt. Many women begin to hear their inner critic show up in thoughts of “I’m letting someone down” or “I’m failing at work/ home”. Whilst these feelings can feel overpowering, they’re often driven by your own internal expectations, rather than objective reality. Social media and social expectations can often make it feel as if other parents are perfectly juggling the chaos of parenting. Your social media feed may be full of smiling family holiday photos whilst your google search history is feeding you countless exceedingly complex recipes of what to feed your toddler. In the midst of these excessively high standards, it’s not uncommon for parents to feel like they’re failing. You are not failing- you are simply human and there is no such thing as a “perfect parent”.

When you start to notice your inner critic creep in, try the “thought record” exercise.

1. Begin by writing down your thought- “What thought went through my mind?”. E.g.- “I’m a bad mum because I feel overwhelmed by juggling work and parenting”
2. Next, ask “What situation triggered this feeling?”. E.g.- “I forgot to pack one of my child’s toys for nursery”
3. Ask “What did I feel and how strongly?”. E.g.- “Intense feelings of guilt”
4. Next think about, “what is all of the evidence I have that supports my thought?”. E.g.- “I feel really overwhelmed by everything I have to remember”
5. Counter the last step by asking “What is all the evidence I have that contradicts my thought?”. E.g.- “People always tell me what a happy and well taken care of baby I have”
6. Looking at steps 1-5, ask “what is a more balanced thought I could introduce?”. E.g.- “Just because I feel overwhelmed, doesn’t mean I’m failing. I’m doing my best and my best is good enough”

It’s also helpful to begin integrating self-compassion within your day. When you start to notice guilt or anxiety creep in, try to write down or say aloud some grounding mantras that allow you to step into the present and focus on the here and now. Some self-compassion mantras you might try include:

• “This is a difficult moment and it’s okay to find this hard”
• “Other parents feel this too. I’m not alone”
• “I can be kind to myself in this moment”

Returning to work can often come with the urge to “catch up”. You may find yourself feeling out of the loop of work projects or under pressure to prove yourself. Each of these factors can lead to overcommitment, trouble saying no and prioritising others’ needs at the expense of your own wellbeing.

When we start to notice people-pleasing tendencies creeping in, it’s important to ask ourselves what beliefs might underpin our fear of saying no. For example:

• If I don’t say yes, I’ll be judged”
• “I need people to think I’m capable”
•  “What if people think I’m not ready to be back?”

These fears are not uncommon, but they can often become unsustainable. When you feel pressure to say yes, try the “Cost vs Benefit" exercise.

When you feel pressure to say yes at the expense of your own wellbeing, ask:

• What are the short-term benefits of saying yes? (E.g.- people may be momentarily pleased with my willingness?)
• What are the long-term costs of saying yes? (E.g.- stress, burnout)

These simple questions can often help us shift from automatic people-pleasing to intentional decision-making.

For many women, people pleasing has become the automatic default. Perhaps you used to consider yourself to be quite assertive, yet over the years you have gradually found yourself saying “yes” more and more, to keep the peace, prove yourself or facilitate others. In these instances, shifting to a place of assertiveness can feel daunting or unnatural, therefore it’s often helpful to start small.

• Delay responding to requests. E.g.- “Can I get back to you on that?”
• Start by saying no to low-stakes tasks
• Gradually build up to more difficult boundaries

Often it helps to practice the language you may use when putting in place boundaries. These 3 steps to assertiveness may help:

1. Acknowledge: “I understand that this is important”
2. Set boundary: “I don’t have the capacity to take this on today”
3. Offer alternative (if appropriate): “I can take this on next week”

In the transition back to work, it’s easy to become focused on external needs- your baby, your colleagues, your workload. Over time, women often report feeling disconnected from even their most basic needs such as thirst and hunger. If you notice yourself feeling depleted or burned out throughout the day, try checking in with yourself using the following techniques:

Take 2-3 minutes and ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now? (E.g.- tired, hungry, stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated)
• What do I need today- mentally, physically or emotionally? (E.g.- to set aside time for a proper lunch/ to call a friend/ to get outside)
• What is one small thing I can do to support myself today?

None of us feel the same way every day, yet so often we can place the same expectations on ourselves irrespective of how we’re feeling. The traffic light system provides a useful tool to check in with yourself and adjust your expectations and demands based on your check in.

-        Green: Feeling well

-        Amber: Feeling stretched, depleted or tired

-        Red: Overwhelmed or exhausted